Could You Be Sabotaging Your Growth with a Victim's Perspective?
I tell my clients that I've reduced the frequency of feeling victimized from a staggering 10,000 times a day down to a mere 1,000. It's liberating to shed the weight of those 9,000 daily victim moments. However, the remaining 1,000 still put up quite a fight.
Recently, during one of my travels, I had an experience that describes this struggle. I was taking an Uber from Tampa to Sarasota late at night. My first taste of victimhood occurred when I approached Sarah, the Uber driver’s car, and she had kindly opened her trunk for our luggage. A thoughtful gesture, but before hopping in, I always double-checked the license plate to make sure it matched what Uber provided.
So, as I reached up to lower the trunk for this inspection, I was met with an irritated response, "NO, NO … Don't touch that! I'll close the trunk from up here!" Defensively, I explained, "I'm just trying to check your license plate." … followed by a series of muffled grumbles from the driver's seat.
Once my friend Dan and I settled into the car, he fastened his seatbelt, but on my side, neither of us could locate the buckle.
Oh! - Before I dive into the seatbelt saga, let me backtrack a bit. Prior to that, Sarah had to give us instructions on how to recline our seats. After several "I can't find its," she eventually directed us to small straps that manually adjusted the seat inclination. I'm pretty sure I saw a smug glare of "I told you so" in her rearview mirror after we located the strap.
Now, back to the seatbelt. While my friend found his buckle, I continued to fumble. Sarah reassured me that it was there, but my thorough search yielded nothing. Frustrated, I told her I'd go without it. However, with the recent seat recline victory under her belt, Sarah insisted on helping. We pulled over on a busy freeway at night to rummage through the back seat. After the three of us dismantled her car, removing cushions and structural boards, it was collectively declared as "lost forever," and I was left with no choice but to settle without it.
As I sat there, still unable to find the elusive buckle, I crossed my arms and declared to myself, "There! I'm right, and she's wrong." This was the first sign that I was falling into the trap of playing the victim in the "blame triangle." Ugh!
I had cast Sarah as the star of my personal drama, my trigger. Furthermore, I observed that I was seeking out and accumulating more and more evidence to prove that I was right and she was wrong. With each discovery that supported my hypothesis, I received a rush of dopamine, akin to a sweet, intoxicating treat. However, I realized a familiar and unsettling pattern. This habitual behavior was turning me into a victim, and it felt repulsive. Maybe Sarah wasn't the world's best Uber driver, or perhaps she was. Regardless, I was the one suffering, and all I could see were negatives.
Swallowing my pride has never been particularly easy, and maybe it wasn't pride at stake here, but it was something similar. This was such a minor incident, and I had no history with Sarah. Nevertheless, I was unwilling to let it go. There was even a moment when my inner self seemed to float above the car, looking down at my petty and entitled self. It was an uncomfortable realization, but the familiar territory made me laugh at myself.
So, how can we avoid falling into the victim trap and navigate life's challenges without resorting to victimhood? First of all, there's no avoiding it. Just notice it and own it, and that starts with awareness.
Awareness: The first step is recognizing when you're slipping into a victim mentality.
Commitment & Ownership: What are you really committed to here? If it's to give away your power, stay mad, be right, and suffer, go with that. If it's to be free of your own internal dialogue and go live a cool life, go with that.
Laugh at Yourself: As the Indigo Girls said, “It’s only life after all …” Sometimes, the best way to break free from victimhood is to find humor in your own behavior. As my 14-year-old son says, “Dad. Chill.”
Thanks for reading.
~ Brett
Fundamental of the Week #22: DEMONSTRATE URGENCY IN RESPONSE TIME AND FOLLOW-UP
Model enthusiasm in your response to issues and rigor in your follow-up. Keep people updated, and make sure they are clear about your communications.
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