From Betrayal to Breakthrough: Transforming Victimhood into Empowerment
Photo by Quang Nguyen Vinh
When’s the Last Time You Felt Betrayed?
I’m talking about deep, dark, soul-crushing betrayal.
If you remember it vividly, your stomach might be tightening as your heartbeat quickens just thinking about it. Betrayal can be heartbreaking and enraging all at once.
Once upon a time, I had an agreement with a statewide organization. (I won’t name the state, but let’s just say it rhymes with “Flexas.”) The head of the organization called me to apologize. Apparently, their written rules, which I had meticulously followed, didn’t matter anymore. She admitted that despite attending all the trainings, earning all the certifications, and investing in my business with a website, business cards, and marketing materials, I wouldn’t be awarded any contracts. Ever.
WTAF!
I was furious—plumb mad, out-of-control angry. It didn’t matter how hard I’d worked. None of it mattered.
Do I have you on my side yet?
But consider this: no one has ever disrespected, betrayed, or even insulted any of us.
It’s never happened—not a single time—and it never will.
Why? Because people are just out there doing what they’re doing, and sometimes we experience their actions as betrayal or insult. And rather than being responsible for our experience we get trapped in a mentality of victimization.
Try humiliating a rock. It doesn’t care.
Now, I’m not saying bad behavior doesn’t exist. It does. But our interpretation of events—and how we respond—is entirely up to us. We can choose to keep our power or hand it over to our so-called tormentors.
So back to my initial question: When’s the last time you felt betrayed? And how did you deal with it? More importantly, how would you deal with it now?
As St. Augustine once said, “Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”
The reality? The person you’re resenting is probably oblivious. Meanwhile, we’re over here entertaining wild fantasies of justice. We humans are absurd creatures. I’m no zoologist, but I doubt any other species punishes itself this way.
The Remedy: Be Unmessable With
Yes, “unmessable” is a word.
It may not appear in most dictionaries, but its essence resonates across the coaching and consulting world. Simply put, being unmessable with means you choose whether someone can disrupt or upset you.
The next time you feel betrayed, try this remedy:
AWARENESS
Notice it and admit it: “I’m letting myself be messed with right now.”COMMITMENT
Be honest with yourself: “This feeling sucks, and I’m committed to letting go of this resentment nonsense.”COMMUNICATE
Reach out to someone who can help: “Hey, coach! I’m stuck and need to feel better about this, now.”BE ACCOUNTABLE
It’s time to put on your big girl pants and start adulting. “You mean, I’m at the source of my experience and revenge is not an option?” Yup. That’s right.(BONUS) KEEP IT FUN
Our day-to-day work problems are small compared to those facing most of the world. Laugh every day; don’t take things too seriously.
This process works. Try it. See how your perspective—and your life—shift.
How To Become Unmessable With
Circling back to my story …
How did I handle that betrayal? I called my coach. She helped me see that I was stuck in a core value violation—specifically my values of fairness and respect. I had allowed myself to feel victimized and betrayed.
In truth, I had choices. Many choices. I could choose how to be, how to respond, and even how to feel.
By the end of our conversation, I was still angry, but I wasn’t helpless. I could think clearly, move forward, and even find laughter in the world.
Happy New Year, by the way.
~ Brett
Fundamental of the Week #10: KEEP THINGS FUN
Our day-to-day work problems are small compared to those facing most of the world. Laugh every day; don’t take things too seriously.
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