You’re Not as Good a Listener as You Think
Most people think they are better listeners than they are.
Studies suggest we listen at about 25 percent efficiency. And, although most people agree that good listening is essential, very few actively seek to improve their listening skills.
The Wright University study, Raj Soin College of Business, defined effective listening this way:
Effective listening is actively absorbing the information given to you by a speaker, showing that you are listening and interested, and providing feedback to the speaker so that he or she knows the message was received.
Delivering verbal communication, like writing a newsletter, involves trying to choose the right words and nonverbal cues to convey a message that will be interpreted in the way you intend. Effective listeners show speakers that they have been heard and understood.
We would add…
Effective listeners leave the speaker feeling heard, understood and connected.
We are almost always listening to two voices:
The person speaking
Our internal narrator delivering point-by-point commentary. According to the Wright University study, the real messages are overshadowed by our internal dialogue about 75 percent of the time.
Our inner dialogue says things like…
I agree/disagree
that’s right/wrong
I know a better way
…while we are anxiously waiting to talk or to leave the conversation. The symbolism of language further complicates this.
Words are merely representations and don’t necessarily have the same meanings to everyone, especially across cultures or ethnic groups.
Here is the good news: We may listen at 25 percent efficiency, but we aren’t stuck there; we can improve. It just takes practice, as with learning a foreign language. Let's start with the Rosetta Stone of listening:
You have to get into the other person's world. This is the bridge between speaker and listener.
NLP (neuro-linguistic programming) talks about establishing the emotional pipeline in conversation. There are two places I can listen from: self and other.
Self:
I am listening to you through my “narrator,” so what I mostly hear is what I am saying internally, about what you are saying. Even though I may hear the words and could repeat them back, I am actually attending to whether I agree or disagree, judging right or wrong, waiting for my turn to talk, tuning out.
Other:
I set aside my internal dialogue the best I can. I focus on what you are saying, how you feel about it (emotional state), what’s important to you and where I fit in this conversation. There are several channels of communication I can notice to put myself in your shoes:
The words you say, which I can feed back to you to make sure I understand
Your perceivable emotions (I might say “You sound upset.”)
Your tone of voice
Your non-verbal cues
I can summarize what I heard to be sure I understand the intent of your communication. I can guess your emotion, which you will either confirm or correct. Either way, I am connecting with you at the emotional level, which is where people feel heard.
It does take work and consciousness.
This is probably why more people don’t focus on improving their communication. We also tend to believe that, if we hear the words, we are listening. Remember, the studies indicate we aren’t as good at listening as we think we are. However, over the long haul, with effort, communication gets more efficient and effective.
Think about when you feel like someone is only giving you a “token” ear.
How does that affect the relationship; how does it affect the way you listen to them or the quality of the information? It’s like if your car’s GPS were only partially accurate; it would make it hard to get where you wanted to go.
Cost: We get incomplete information, so we fill the void with what we think the communication was. Listening well is a conscious commitment to a lifetime of effective practice, effort and the willingness to recognize we are not born good listeners.
Payoff: When people feel listened to, they feel connected to you. They feel appreciated and are more trusting. You gather superior intel and are, therefore, much better equipped to make solid decisions and take effective actions.
Yes, it takes more time initially, but it eliminates a LOT of rework, frustration and failure in the future. One study found that listening poorly had an impact on over 40 percent of leadership effectiveness. What kind of leader do you want to be?
Remember, it starts with discovering where we do not listen.
Have a great week,
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Fundamental of the Week #24: ASSUME POSITIVE INTENT
Work from the assumption that people are good, fair, and honest. Set aside your own judgments or preconceived notions, and give people the benefit of the doubt. Look for the positive intent in their actions and communications.
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