The Powerful Gift of Direct Feedback
Marlene Clark, CEO Momentum Consulting
A blind spot of mine came to light in the feedback from a recent executive coaching offsite program.
A couple of weeks ago, I was co-leading a team through a three-day session in which they examined their limiting perceptions of each other, the emotions behind them, how that influences their behavior, and what it cost them. In these sessions, we emphasize the power of both giving and receiving direct, honest, respectful feedback.
Based on the feedback the group gave at the end of the three days, most were grateful for being pushed through uncomfortable yet enlightening situations. In executive leadership coaching, there are moments when this pushing is a big part of our job; it’s what makes us good at it. However, there was also a comment about being taken aback by how I leaned on individuals, during our group sessions, who were visibly uncomfortable and past the point of productive discussion.
When I read the feedback, I had my own visceral reaction.
It triggered an old limiting perception of myself of “being too much.” I immediately felt embarrassed, and my mind went to work on a strategy to tamp down all that too-muchness. For the next several minutes I judged myself rather harshly, costing me the joy I usually feel in being there for others in their growth.
My intention comes from a place of love and holding people accountable for their greatness. The impact, however, can be pushing them beyond what is useful, despite cues they are no longer receptive.
Listening to straight talk about oneself is often difficult.
We tend to get defensive and judgmental about the person delivering it, or we judge ourselves, hearing through our own filters, listening against, as we say at Momentum. The less automatic but more useful way, listening for – with curiosity and openness – is what we aim for.
When I was able to process my emotions over the feedback and really listen, I noticed some things. When I’m coaching and I forget to be mindfully present and aware of my body, the room, the others around me, I don’t pick up on all of the cues others give off when they have had enough. I get too intent on “doing the work.” But when I really tune in, I feel their discomfort and know when to back off. As Martha Lynn has reminded me over the years, there is a beautiful opportunity in allowing others the dignity of their own process.
Whenever feedback is given, there is a chance for accountability and therefore growth on both sides.
In the delivery of feedback, we can own what’s bothering us and begin to let it go; in the receiving, we can learn and take responsibility for the work we need to do.
Even though it momentarily tripped the switch of my egoic mind, I am grateful for the honest feedback the participants were willing to give. I am appreciative that, at an event where I was charged with helping lead a team through self-discovery, they helped me do some discovery of my own.
~ Marlene
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Fundamental of the Week #26: CONTINUOUSLY SEEK TO IMPROVE THE IMPACT WE MAKE
Always seek a breakthrough approach. Our job is to improve the lives and work of the people around us. This path takes planning, diligence, and thoughtfulness.
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