Navigating Accountability Through Divorce: Lessons Learned
Photo by Joshua Earle on Unsplash
Accountability is a challenge.
On March 1, 2021, just three days short of our 14th wedding anniversary, our divorce was finalized. Our marriage, which started to unravel on Christmas Day two years earlier, came to a peaceful end that Monday morning at a big table in some lawyer’s office. It was all smiles and hugs when we were done, and it went as smoothly as one could hope for, but it was not easy.
I consider myself well-trained in transformation and accountability, but making that day a non-event took everything we had. Keeping it simple was key, and our north star was to keep our disagreements away from the kids. For me, that required being vigilantly true to a mantra: “Anytime I’m feeling upset, resentful, or disrespected, that’s on me - not her.” Looking back, I’d say we both played nice during that period.
Having started my career as a divorce coach, I’m familiar with the divorce process. Yet, I’ve never witnessed a divorce go as well as ours did. The divorcing couples I encountered produced a consistent theme: when the couple sat down to sign the final papers, a spontaneous flow of emotion erupted from at least one party. It was an all-too-real moment; heavy, awkward, and burdensome. Every single time.
Here are the most valuable lessons I learned from my divorce process:
An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind.
My reality is not THE reality.
The sweetness of being right sours quickly.
No one is out to get me.
It’s my choice to take things personally or not.
Pardon my French, but every now and then I know I need to “eat a shit sandwich.” This translates to “I need to give up being right.” It can be exhausting and puzzling, but essential to be free. Free of what, by the way? Victimhood.
Victimhood exists in the context of blame, which could be described as the low-hanging forbidden fruit on the tree of knowledge of good and evil. Devilishly tempting, blame presents itself as a juicy solution but, in reality, proves to be a false and bitter reward.
Assigning cause to something or someone outside of ourselves relieves us of taking accountability. This makes victimhood one of our most constant struggles. I brag to my clients that I’ve come a long way with this because I used to feel victimized 10,000 times a day, and now it’s only 1,000.
The struggle is real for us all, y’all.
When I look at this week’s Fundamental, BE ACCOUNTABLE: Own what happens in your world. That means holding yourself and others to account in a way that strengthens the relationship, what stands out for me is the part about owning what happens in your world. This is consistently difficult, but practicing it earnestly makes life consistently LESS difficult.
~ Brett
Fundamental of the Week #12: BE ACCOUNTABLE
Own what happens in your world. That means holding yourself and others to account in a way that strengthens the relationship.
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