Listening for intention: Getting Past the Crap

Do you think you’re one of the good people?

Do you deserve to be forgiven for your missteps and shortcomings? 

What about all the crazy stuff we spew sometimes?

Most of us are challenged in expressing ourselves from time to time. But isn’t it great when we’re with people who look past the bad stuff and try to understand what we intend to say? We call those people our friends, our trusted advisors, our coaches. They “get” us, not because they agree, but because they listen. 

We judge ourselves by our intentions and others by their behaviour.

- Stephen M.R. Covey, The Speed of Trust: The One Thing that Changes Everything.

Real listening often requires forgiveness. We can all master knowing and sometimes even memorizing the words someone says, but can we put aside our own interpretations, judgments and biases to actually “get” what someone else is saying when we don’t agree? It’s a skill but also a willingness. We have to be willing to give up the protective filters we shield ourselves with. Filters like…

“I don’t like what I just heard!”

“I don’t believe that!”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about!” 

Being generous and forgiving are not things we must do; we can get by without it. It’s extra — a gift. It’s a gift to the speaker, but even more so it’s a gift to ourselves.

One of my many blind spots revealed to me by a former mentor is what she called “case-y.” I get case-y and righteous when things don’t go my way. It’s uncomfortable, disruptive and causes disconnection with the people I’m engaging with. I don’t like it, and when it hooks me, I desperately want to blame others for their misbehavior. It never works. Never. No matter how many times I go back to the well of being right, I draw no water at all. Sound familiar?

With that in mind, know that I’m in this struggle with you. Even though I’m eye-to-eye with another person who is feeding me a bunch of BS, somewhere I know it’s often not BS. It’s just something they need to express in order for them to do their thing. Whether I agree or disagree is usually irrelevant. We humans spout a lot of crap, and as much as the rest of the world doesn’t see the point, it’s important to us - the one expressing it. Our job as listeners to this “information” is to grant the speaker the experience of being heard.

What are they trying to say?

What’s important here?

Why is that such a big deal?

How does that make them feel? 

Isn’t that what you want when you’re the one speaking? As a fellow BS spouter, I know those are the questions I want to hear in response. I don’t want to express myself and then get judged and be made wrong. I may actually be wrong, but I want validation, comfort and love like everyone else. So why is it so hard to give that to others sometimes? What if no one was full of crap? What if everyone deserved to be validated? 

What kind of world would that create?

When we listen, the wider world benefits too. Diversity, Equity and Inclusion (DEI) is a hot topic these days, and it’s likely you’ve been exposed to this conversation. It’s about belonging as well as taking accountability for our impact on others. There’s no right or wrong, but there is validation.

One of the key strategies for bringing about an inclusive work environment is listening.

The tension between judging and listening reminds me of babies and why we are drawn to them. We love their innocence and perfection. How do they grow up to be jerks like you and me? Who messed them up? Parents? Society?

What if each of us deserves the generous listening we crave? When I mess things up in my speaking and actions, I want to be forgiven and given a clean slate. 

Coaching

It's a common adage in the coaching world: coaches don’t give advice or recommendations. We are supposed to let our clients figure it out for themselves instead of telling them what to do. This is more BS. We suggest things to people all the time. At least I do. I don’t know the singular, perfect action that will solve every problem, but I have over 500 coaching conversations a year; there are gonna be some instructions every now and then. 

So in the spirit of what coaches “don’t do,” here are a few tips on getting good at listening when someone says something outrageously disagreeable:

• Chill - Take a deep breath before answering.

• Get curious - Ask three questions about why that is important to them.

• New habits - Surround yourself with other listeners to hold you accountable.

• Collaborate with reality - We all “signed up” for this life, so stop resisting it. Find a way to choose what is so.

~ Brett

Fundamental #12: BE ACCOUNTABLE  

Act like you are an owner in the company. Ownership accountability means holding yourself to account, holding others to account, and the willingness to be held to account.