Lessons through the wall
Craig and I in Spain. We just celebrated our wedding anniversary of 35 years.
Being a human has its challenges.
Being a human co-existing with another for any period of time can make it that much more interesting. Have you been with someone long enough to have an epic “fight story” you can tell your friends over wine?
We’ve got a good one that goes all the way back to what we called our B.C. period (before children.)
Craig and I married in Austin at the Barr Mansion in 1986. Within a couple of years, we made our way out to California, living in San Francisco and Sausalito, and then relocating to southern California, living on the top floor of a beautiful apartment building in Costa Mesa. Our unit was at the end, so we only had one shared wall that was adjacent to our guest room.
Before going to bed one night, Craig and I were in a conversation that quickly devolved into an argument. Being of sound mind, Craig decided to remove himself from the conversation, and made his way into our guest room. I wasn’t quite ready to surrender so easily, so I followed him.
To this day, I have no idea what was so important to me that justified my continuing this argument. Whatever it was, I'm positive that I knew I was right and he was wrong. It was my duty to set him straight on this “fact.”
As the exchange digressed, our voices got louder and louder, talking over each other. At some point I screamed “you are such an a**hole!”
He screamed back even louder “you’re the a**hole!!”
Then…. a moment later, we heard through the wall, “you are both a**holes. Now go to bed!!!”
Stunned, we looked at each other in silence, our eyes growing wide. And then we burst out laughing at what just happened. In that moment, we totally forgot what we were fighting about. We had yet to meet our new neighbor. So, in the morning, I slid a note under his door thanking him for saving our marriage and apologizing for our behavior.
Along with the help of our new neighbor, early on, we intentionally surrounded ourselves with supportive people and made a commitment to learn from others. For the first seven years of our marriage, we participated monthly in a Women’s and Men’s Club with Francine and Lew Epstein. They taught us how to listen with compassion and to trust that we are loved.
We learned to share ourselves openly, and we practiced listening with compassion to each other’s stories of the challenges of being in a relationship. The men found a safe space to be vulnerable with each other, and eventually, were able to share openly in the presence of the women.
We laughed, we cried, we owned up to our sh*t.
35 years later, I’m still grateful for that fight, and for our neighbor. Feedback can make all the difference. For me, it just doesn’t get any better than being able to talk about your own pitfalls. I believe this is the genesis of true accountability that can lead to genuine freedom in our personal and professional relationships.
If you’ve got an epic “fight story” that you can laugh about these days, please share it with us!
Happy almost summer,
Fundamental #3: SPEAK STRAIGHT, RESPECTFULLY Speak honestly and clearly in a way that moves the action forward. Say what you mean. Ask questions for clarity, share ideas and be willing to raise issues, even if they may create conflict, when it is needed for success or maintaining collaboration. Address issues directly with those who are involved or affected. Take responsibility for getting your message across.
