Why Listening is so Hard
Photo by Warren Wong on Unsplash
Access to effective listening starts with discovering where you don’t listen.
I recently wrote about people thinking themselves to be better listeners than they actually are. Research suggests we listen at about 25 percent efficiency. And, although most people agree that good listening is essential, very few actively seek to improve their listening skills. But it is possible to become a better, more curious listener. Take the Cold War for example:
In the early 80s, the relationship between the US and Russia was skating a thin edge. Every aspect of the Russian defense structure was preparing for a surprise attack and immediate retaliation.
Then, on 26 September 1983, the Soviet Union’s early-warning radar reported the launch of several intercontinental ballistic missiles from the United States. Soviet Air Defence Forces Officer Stanislav Petrov suspected it was a false alarm. He decided to wait for corroborating evidence rather than immediately relaying the warning up the chain of command. None arrived.
His decision is seen as having prevented a retaliatory nuclear attack against the United States and its NATO allies, which would likely have resulted in a full-scale nuclear war. An investigation later determined the satellite warning system had indeed malfunctioned.
We all sometimes misinterpret communication because we’re looking at it through a lens of personal bias. At unbelievable risk to self and country, Lt. Colonel Petrov did not submit to his own bias; our world exists today because of it. He took what he “heard” from his warning system, and instead of making assumptions and reacting, he waited to confirm what he thought he heard.
Let’s look at a model for how we create our particular brand of listening as well as our particular view of reality.
The graphic model, Default Listening, focuses on our listening mechanism. How we listen shapes what we decide is real, so you could say this is a model for how we form our reality about people and the world.
Follow the diagram:
Something happens -- a phone call, a conversation, an email, something I heard or read, etc.
Underlying Emotion -- I have a reaction, which is based on feeling or emotion.
Assessment -- I immediately judge, good or bad, but rarely neutral since that doesn’t usually catch our attention.
Interpretation -- I explain my reaction. “That happened because..,” “There they go again,” “That’s just the way this group, company, etc. is.” We form perceptions based on our interpretations of why things happen and then assume that’s what’s real.
History -- Assuring ourselves we are objective observers, we look to past experiences to confirm our interpretations. We find collaborative evidence an amazing number of times.
I’m right -- Having validated our interpretation from previous perceptions about things, we conclude that we made the correct observation.
Action or compensation -- We now decide on appropriate action based on that (presumed correct) interpretation.
Predisposed to future similar interpretations -- In the future, whenever something happens that feels similar, I am inclined to make the same interpretation. Our brains take the path of least resistance. Each instance provides further evidence I am correct. This turns into a solidly anchored belief that becomes our default reality. This “default system” leaves us making snap decisions with minimal intel, often based on errant beliefs or narrow views. Bigotry is based on this model.
This system goes on from birth, causing us to operate in a personal reality that isn’t actually real. This is not to say we don’t often get it right; however, what we see and think is constrained by our interpretation of how the world works. Claims of “fake news” are an example.
It is helpful to appreciate how much of our worldview is made up of our interpretations represented by this model. It affects our performance and influence. For example, as I develop a point of view about someone, I will start to see them through that lens, which will only reaffirm my point of view. I will often cease to see them in a larger context of possibility or partnership and my interactions with them become shaped by my perceptions. This is equally true of groups, places, organizations, etc. We are firmly embedded in our judgments.
Will we ever get out of this cycle of “default listening?” No! Can we catch ourselves and intervene? Yes, absolutely!
Enter curiosity.
The access to a more balanced view is curiosity. This requires pausing, noticing our interpretations and checking them out. This does take time, but with practice, it becomes much more fluid and allows for better decision-making, saving massive time and significantly reducing our stress levels.
Map this on to your own experience and see what fits. See the Limiting Perceptions worksheet. Use it to identify your limiting beliefs about several of the people you work with. Notice how real the beliefs and perceptions feel.
~ Craig
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