Shedding Light on Some Darker Feelings
Photo by JOHN TOWNER on Unsplash
For this week's blog, I want to feature a piece of writing from someone close to me. It encapsulates the way so many people feel right now. This is a little more personal than our usual content, but I felt like it was important to create a safe space for these types of conversations.
A shadow is something that hasn’t had light shed upon it. And in order to transform the challenges so many people are facing in today’s society, we first need to bring them out of the darkness.
From Christa Clark:
I need help.
I want to open up and talk about something that’s very uncomfortable. If the topics of depression and suicide are too much for you, please don’t read the rest of this.
I’ve considered taking my own life many times over the past decade. Partially due to trauma and partially due to what feels like a never-ending cycle of depression. I will start to feel better, build up great habits for myself, and then it’s like a tidal wave comes and crashes down on me again and again just as I’m starting to get back in my groove.
This cycle is exhausting and wears me down, and I don’t feel like I’ve set my life up in a way that supports these cycles. Because I have to keep working constantly and producing value to get paid and be a good little product of capitalism. There’s no grace for taking longer rests so that I can actually feel recuperated and get the rest and support that I need.
The biggest reason I haven’t taken my life yet is I think about the fallout and the aftermath, and I don’t want to leave the people in my life in a state of despair or having to clean up my mess. So usually, when I’m falling through these heavy moments of despair, I just remind myself that I can’t do that to the people that I love.
I’ve been stuck in this mindset that I need to make these grand changes to my life, and then it will be fixed.
If I just move to a new city,
If I just get a new house,
If I just get a new car,
If I just get a new therapist,
If I just do one more healing retreat,
If I just meditate more,
If I just had a boyfriend or girlfriend,
If I just get a new job,
If I just get more money,
If I just change my career,
Maybe then I’ll feel better,
Maybe then I’ll feel successful,
Maybe then I’ll feel worthy,
Maybe then I can live up to my own expectations.
I’m tired of feeling like not “enough” for myself. That’s a game I can’t win.
I’m always left back with these feelings, so I just take things one day at a time. I remind myself of what I’m grateful for. And I do things that bring me joy, like putting my toes in the dirt or cooking dinner with a friend.
Now I’m trying to just sit through these tough emotions and give myself love and reach out for help and ask for people to show up for me when I need it, the way I will stop in my tracks and show up for the people in my life.
But for some reason, it always feels so much harder to ask for help than to give it.
I hate talking about anything sad on here. Mostly because I feel this way so often. But I also wonder how many others feel alone in similar feelings. Because not talking about these things perpetuates my isolation and my loneliness.
I logically know that I have so many supportive, wonderful friends who would come to me when I need them, but I don’t always know how to ask for help, or I’m too embarrassed. Or this topic feels too heavy, and I don’t want to burden anyone because I know the people in my life are also stressed and have their own burdens to bear.
I don’t have any answers, so I’m just trying to ask myself the right questions.
What am I grateful for today?
Who do I want to be today?
How many times can I kiss my dog?
Can I spare 15 minutes to walk in the sun?
Who would I want to be with right now?
Have I called my loved ones recently?
What would make me belly laugh right now?
If I sing to my flowers, will it help them grow?
What food would nourish me today?
Would an oversized sword help?
How do I want to move my body?
Or do I need to do absolutely nothing?
Can I be okay with the answers my body gives me?
If you read this, thanks for listening. And know that if you’re feeling this way too, you aren’t alone.
~ Christa
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Fundamental of the Week #26: CONTINUOUSLY SEEK TO IMPROVE THE IMPACT WE MAKE
Always seek a breakthrough approach. Our job is to improve the lives and work of the people around us. This path takes planning, diligence, and thoughtfulness.
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