If You’re a Victim and You Know It, Clap Your Hands

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If you’re a victim and you know it, clap your hands.

When I talk to clients about victim mentality, I invariably use the example of travel as a context for victim situations due to the number of things that are simply out of our control. Especially prevalent in airports and airplanes, I’ve had some juicy victim moments lately. 

Just yesterday, exhausted with a headache and an upset stomach, I stumbled onto a plane in Houston only to run into some guy coming down the aisle the wrong way with a bag way too big for the bins. Bound and determined to make it work, he had no problem holding up the entire boarding process. He’s one of those non-stop, out-loud narrators-of-everything-he-does kinda guys… as if it really helps us all to know what he’s going through. Telling us all how he shouldn’t have to check his bag, and how, “When you get to be 69 years old like me …” blah, blah, blah. 

He even implied to this very young woman that she should offer him some of her sandwich. She just looked at him and tried to play along but was obviously put out and embarrassed. When he started touching her, I was so shocked, I was in disbelief. I figured he must know her, or he wouldn’t be touching her like that. It was all so weird; I badly wanted to punch him in the face. 

In this day and age of #metoo and airplane misbehavior, I’ve always wondered what it would be like to be in one of those situations.

Was this one of them? Did this woman need me to defend her? Could she do it on her own? Was this going to be a YouTube moment? Were there going to be cops on the plane? 

I was beyond annoyed. My body temperature was going up fast, and I was starting to sweat uncomfortably, blaming this guy for my whole experience. I wasn’t the only one enduring it, but it was disorienting to have a front-row seat.  

Then as he forced his giant leather bag into a spot too small, I noticed I wanted it to get caught on the hook thingy so it might rip. I was completely hooked and had an experience of core value violation stacking. Respect and fairness both were on fire.

It all came on so fast.

Isn’t it crazy how we do this to ourselves? This thing was happening outside of myself, but I was making it so personal. Two minutes before, I had no idea this guy existed, but in that moment, he had become a part of my life. I was amazed at how I let it happen. I mean, I got skills. I train people in this stuff. I’m above this, right?

When he went to sit down, I realized he did NOT know the young woman. I was boiling! And none of this was helping my head and poor widdle tummy. 

After Mr. Important got his bag in place and took his seat, the line finally resumed its shuffle down the aisle. I was definitely sweating by then, and it was about that time I realized who I got to sit next to. You guessed it - my new best friend.

Thank you, oh wise, comedic universe!

What an opportunity to own my experience. The actual thought that went through my head at that moment was, “WHY IN THE HELL DOESN’T DELTA SERVE TEQUILA???!!!”

I made myself laugh, which was a good sign.

Victim is not a four-letter word.

I sat next to Jerky Boy and prayed for forgiveness. That’s not true. I did not pray, but I did remember some coaching I gave a client recently. 

A few weeks ago, when a client was telling me about her sufferings over the behavior of a colleague, I told her, “We have no idea what others are going through. We don’t know their lives, but an option we do have is to get curious instead of judgmental.” (Like most smart things I say, I got that from someone else. In this case, it was Federico Alotto. Grazie, amico!)

So I got curious until I fell asleep and dreamt about Don Julio Reposado.

I wish I was above it, but I am not. I wish you were above it too, but I’m guessing you’re not either. There’s a lot of stuff that can happen to us, but much of it is self-inflicted. The lion’s share of it, we have the power to deflect, own, transmute, transform or just full-on STOP from causing suffering. It does take practice.

This week’s fundamental is about assuming positive intent — a very healthy fundamental when we get triggered. I don’t like going through life suspicious and pessimistic, but I can’t expect everyone to do things the way I do, either. Assuming positive intent is an option we can give ourselves rather than being at the mercy of the effects of our judgments. 

I never spoke to the guy on the plane. I rarely do talk to people on planes unless there’s a clear invitation, but if I had, it would have likely been some kind of reaction and not very kind. But, as I sat there and observed my default mind in full force, I was able to calm it down a bit, stop sweating and grow compassion for what it must be like to be him. He seemed to be a natural alienator, and that can’t be a fun way to live one’s life. 

Maybe next time I see him, I’ll give him a big hug, but I think that may require some extra coaching.

~ Brett

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Fundamental of the Week #24: ASSUME POSITIVE INTENT

Work from the assumption that people are good, fair, and honest. Set aside your own judgments or preconceived notions, and give people the benefit of the doubt. Look for the positive intent in their actions and communications.

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