How & Why to Avoid the Happiness Trap
image by Kira auf der Heide
“Folks are usually about as happy as they make up their minds to be.”
~ Abraham Lincoln
I discovered this quote in the comments thread of an Atlantic article, The Seven Practices that Lead to Happiness in Old Age, and I thought,
What a load of crap.
It seemed like an especially large load of crap since it was in response to a commenter who found the happiness practices unrealistic, as she was the full-time caregiver for her partner who had advanced Alzheimer’s. Insensitive is what it seemed, actually.
I rarely comment on big, public internet articles, but I felt the necessity to defend the caregiver:
“Being happy isn’t always about decisions. It can be about hormones, genetics and random circumstance. There are habits we can cultivate to promote happiness, but happiness is simply more elusive, harder to achieve, for some people.”
It felt very rewarding when a TON of people liked my comment. Okay, it was ten people, but that’s ten more likes than any other public comment of mine.
Maybe those ten people needed to hear that feeling unhappy isn’t a personal failing.
Humans aren’t wired to be happy and satisfied with life all the time. Depression may even be less of a malfunction and more of an evolutionary adaptation, according to this Scientific American article. (They are careful to note, that just because it’s historically adaptive doesn’t mean it’s not problematic for the modern person who's depressed.)
Here’s the thing I struggle with when talking about happiness:
As with many other topics, we humans tend to see it all or none.
Either you are in control of being happy or you aren’t. Either you can do things to increase happiness or it’s totally genetic and you might as well lie down and wallow in it. We don’t see that it could be this AND that.
There ARE things we can do to feel happier and more satisfied with life. Some of those things are simple: take a walk, take a nap, go outside, read a good book. Some of those things are harder — the long game, like therapy, which comes in many colors: talk, cognitive-behavioral, antidepressants, EMDR, MDMA.
But sometimes you can do all of those things and still not feel better. Sometimes, you are so depressed, you are beyond being able to do these things for yourself. People who are struggling with depression or really difficult circumstances need acknowledgment, something like, “Yes, this is hard. It sucks. I’m sorry,” so they can keep fighting the good fight.
So when someone says, “I’m having a hard time finding happiness right now because I didn’t plan on having to take care of my adult partner who barely recognizes me in our golden years,”
“Just choose happiness,” from that person’s perspective, sounds absurd.
It’s both: There are “happiness practices” that can help. AND sometimes they don’t work, or don’t work that well. Sometimes life is pain; you accept it and forge on. You don’t always have to do it with a smile on your face.
So maybe let’s take a step back from all the “choose happiness” talk; it’s an over-simplification. How about…
“Choose happiness, if you’re able to today, or feel sad if that’s what you need, and if you’re struggling right now, I’m so sorry. Life is hard sometimes. Do you want a hug?”
That’s too messy for a meme, but so, too, is life. Maybe we should stop trying to sum it up in two words with a stock photo of a sunset behind it.
I’ve just spent the last three paragraphs saying there’s no catchphrase, and here I now sit trying, ironically, to come up with a suitable end for this post. The best I can do is this:
It is okay to be unhappy. It doesn’t make you a failure; it makes you normal. How you choose to address that, how you are even able to address that, is your own business.
Sincerely,
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